you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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