Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
