Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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