My first STD was from a foam party
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
