I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
