I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
