alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
