I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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