Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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