Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
