Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
