you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
