Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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