turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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