The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
