The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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