My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Welp...herpes.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
