When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
