He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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