R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
