I don't usually arrange sex via text message
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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