Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
