worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
