Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
