I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
