$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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