I'm sorry my penis didn't work
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
