Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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