CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
