I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
