When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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