ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
