This house was built for laser tag.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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