im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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