Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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