How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She even gives head with a lisp.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
