i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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