Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So I just went to clothing optional bar
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
