Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
