woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
