guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
