is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
