I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
