I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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