all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
