She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
