can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
