He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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