I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
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