she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
