yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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