sarcasm needs its own font
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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