the condom got lost in my hair
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
