i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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