I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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